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It is one thing to be a caregiver. It is something else entirely to be a caregiver for your spouse. Just ask Jay Leno. The former _Tonight Show_ host discussed his new role as caregiver for
his wife of 45 years, Mavis, at length on the _In Depth with Graham Bensinger_ podcast. The comedian, 74, filed for conservatorship over his wife in January 2024, following a dementia
diagnosis. “When you get married, you sort of take a vow: ‘Will I live up to this? Or will I be, like, a sleazy guy [where] if something happens to my wife, I’m out banging the cashier at
the mini mart?'” Leno said to Bensinger. “No, I didn’t. I enjoy the time with my wife. I go home, I cook dinner for her, watch TV, and it’s OK.” Leno described how he has taken over
many activities of daily living for his wife. “When you have to feed someone and change them and carry them to the bathroom and do all that kind of stuff every day. It’s a challenge,” he
said. “And it’s not that I enjoy doing it, but I guess I enjoy doing it.” The_ Jay Leno’s Garage_ star noted that he and Mavis, 78, now use flash cards to review memories together. “It’s
kind of fun,” he said. “I go, ‘Honey, that’s President Obama. Remember we had dinner?’ [She’ll say], ‘Oh, not me.’ [And I’ll say], ‘Yeah, honey, that was you!'” AARP asked four national
experts in spousal caregiving to offer their personal insight into the 11 critical things that every wife or husband should know before taking on the Herculean task of becoming a caregiver
for their spouse. 1. YOU COMMITTED TO THIS THE DAY YOU GOT MARRIED. Caregiving for a spouse was a choice you made the day you took your wedding vows, says Peter Rosenberger, who, at age 61,
has been caregiving for his spouse for almost four decades. His wife, Gracie, was seriously injured in a car accident just a few years before they married, and she has faced 86 surgeries
and, ultimately, the amputation of her legs below the knee. “What’s the point of marrying if you don’t know if you’ll care for them later on?” poses Rosenberger, who has authored several
books on caregiving, including _Hope for the Caregiver: Encouraging Words to Strengthen Your Spirit_ and _A Minute for Caregivers: When Every Day Feels Like Monday. _“Don’t think you’re up
to caregiving because you’re not,” he says. “But you can grow into it.” No one “chooses” to be a spousal caregiver, adds Samantha Culler, clinical director of the memory counseling program
at Atrium Health Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. “Most are thrust into it.” She compares it to learning to swim while you’re drowning. So, in the end,
caregiving for a spouse is typically not a question of whether or not you do it, she says, but how you do it. 2. CREATE A PLAN B IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU. “We are all one ankle
sprain from this turning into a Greek tragedy,” says Rosenberger. That’s why it’s so critical to think ahead and plan who will replace you, short-term or long-term, if and when you are no
longer up to the job. “You can’t plan for every contingency,” he says, but you’re much better equipped to pivot by doing some advance planning.