It’s often said humanity is overdue a pandemic. It’s been a century since the Spanish Flu, and the subsequent outbreaks of the avian and porcine varieties have proved more work-shy than

their Iberian cousin. The Labour Party recently suggested Tory austerity had led to the re-emergence of a number of poverty-related ‘Victorian’ ailments, though these later transpired to

consist almost entirely of gout cases affecting Lord Prescott. There have been outbreaks of other maladies, including a New World condition known as ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’, and a nasty

batch of the jaunes-dice inducing ‘French Rabies’ on the continent, but for a while it seemed the UK had been spared. Well, think again. A new pathogen has swept the nation, decimating

known strains of the illness: The first type of Brexititis is characterised by rising levels of hysteria as the disease begins to eat into cognitive functions. Patients may display signs of

exasperation with others, tiredness, and possibly a shortened temper. They will often be unaware there is anything wrong with them, but will shout at anyone who will listen that Brexit is

bad, and must be reversed. This can cause relatives distress if the patient had appeared sane not long before. That said, patients suffering this form of the illness will remain largely

cogent, able to feed themselves, tie their shoelaces, appear on Politics Live and sit in the House of Lords. It will not be immediately clear to them why this might be unhelpful, so they

should be let down gently, or not at all, as it will only cause confusion. The common cure is to give them vast amounts of public money to spend on white elephant rail projects, which should

distract them. This strain is often referred to ‘Early Onset Lord Adonis Syndrome’. It is initially nasty, but harmless in the long-term. The second type is more widespread, and more

dangerous. Patients lose control of their prefrontal cortex, and begin spouting nonsense about deals, betrayal, sovereignty and, for some reason, Norway. They appear increasingly unkempt,

often refusing to engage with the outside world directly; sometimes they start tweeting in Latin as their delirium worsens. Largely affecting older people, the strain is associated with

recklessness, grumpiness, red faces and blue suits. Sufferers can attend support meetings, which can prove beneficial as it gives them a sense of purpose; they partake in role play games,

like ‘votes of no confidence’, which gives them a reason to get out of bed and lets them socialise in a safe space with like-minded folk outside the confines of their home. Also known as

ERG, or Europhobic Reactionary Gangrene disease. The third variety of the contagion is characterised by a lack of judgement; patients become increasingly confused, often forgetting who they

are, where they are, or what they were meant to be doing. They can say one thing, before quickly saying the exact opposite. It is important for relatives and carers to be patient, as the

infected will often become upset if questioned. Sufferers will also begin to see initial stages of paranoia, they may begin to believe in conspiracy theories, or to indulge in the occasional

spot of racism. Perhaps most worryingly, they may also decide to back a second referendum, or not, depending what day of the week it is, which makes this illness particularly difficult to

medicate. The technical term for the condition is Cerebral Corbynitis. The final stage is the most tragic – there is no known cure besides muting the patient on social media. Sufferers of

FBPE (Full-Blown Paranoid Europhilia) become increasingly aggressive the longer they are left unmuted, though muting only makes the condition chronic. Prone to anger, irrationality, odd

sartorial choices and the occasional violent outburst of “STOP BREXIT” or “WHO FUNDS YOU?” sufferers, much like those in the late stages of hypothermia, often strip to reveal blotches on the

skin, sometimes resembling slogans, other times blue with yellow pustules. These people should not be approached; FBPE is highly contagious, and has been known to make perfectly normal

people appear on Question Time, or set up centrist parties.