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It's apple season again, and the markets are filling up with varieties bearing lovely names, from _honeycrisp_ to _autumn glory_, with plenty of variations on _gold_, _sweet_,
_delicious_, _sun_, and _beauty_ in between. But not all apples are into being judged by some fake-grin, beauty-queen standard. Some apples don't need to keep waving you down with a
name that is really just a desperate cry of "look how yummy I am! Don't I look pretty?" Here are 18 varieties that, frankly, don't care what you think. They know their
worth and don't need to act all cute. They aren't bad apples, but they are badass. 1. STARK'S EARLIEST Gets more done before the end of September than you do all year.
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From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox. From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter,
get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox. 2. SPARTAN Stands there in the frost without a word of complaint. 3. BLOODY PLOUGHMAN They say in 19th century Scotland a
gamekeeper shot down a ploughman who was stealing some apples. Those apples, thrown on a trash heap, sprouted a seedling, and that's how the bloody ploughman lived on. A free daily
email with the biggest news stories of the day – and the best features from TheWeek.com 4. COEUR DE BOEUF That's right, "heart of beef." And if that doesn't sound
delicious to you, your loss. 5. DOG'S SNOUT Yeah, that's what it looks like. You got a problem with that? 6. RAZOR RUSSET Comes from Kentucky and ain't amused by you. 7. TINA
CRAB APPLE Will also cut you. 8. WINTERSTEIN Cold and grim as winter, hard and unfeeling as stone. 9. NONNETIT BASTARD Nonnetit bastard … NONNETIT BASTARD. 10. NEW ROCK PIPPIN Not your
father's rock. 11. PURITAN No time for your apple-bobbing frivolities. 12. TREMLETT'S BITTER Has seen too much of this world to be sweet. 13. LEATHER COAT Bite it. 14. WYKEN PIPPIN
For wycked wyccan womyn. 15. GLOCKENAPFEL Thinks you're a dummkopf. 16. RUSTY COAT Tougher than tetanus. 17. AMERICAN MOTHER You lay a hand on her seedlings, she will crush you like a
cider press. 18. UTTWILER SPÄTLAUBER Excellent storability. Heavy metal umlaut.