When you get invited to a wedding or a party, “yes” might feel like the only socially acceptable response. If your RSVP is something short of that, you might put off responding at all—or

stumble into a response that’s unintentionally rude. “We’re raised to be polite or not rock the boat and to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and yet in trying to be nice, we end up

being vague and unclear and often more hurtful than if we were just candid,” says Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator and author of_ __The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why

it Matters_. “There are so many ways to decline with grace, but instead of saying we’d rather not, we flake, or we’re ambivalent and say ‘maybe,’ which is horrible for the host.”

like in action. “THAT SOUNDS LIKE SUCH A GREAT TIME. I CAN'T BE THERE, BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE INVITATION.” If you can’t swing an event, say so confidently and directly:

"What a lovely invitation! Thanks for thinking of me.” “All invitations are nice, even if you don’t want them,” says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute (and

great-great-granddaughter of renowned etiquette expert Emily Post). That said, “You have the agency to decline them. They’re requests, not demands—they’re hopeful wishes.” “UNFORTUNATELY,

THE TIMING JUST DOESN’T WORK OUT ON THAT EXACT WEEKEND—BUT WE’RE SO TOUCHED YOU INVITED US.” Instead of sticking to a simple “yes” or “no,” some people turn their RSVP into a soliloquy about

why they can't attend. Parker recently heard from a woman who, while planning a 30th wedding anniversary celebration, received a surprising number of emails from invitees who

weren't sure if they could make it or not. “She was getting these responses, like, ‘If I come to your party, I'll miss X, Y, and Z,’” Parker recalls. “Or, ‘I’ll have to move

mountains to get there, but I'm trying.’” These types of notes made the host feel so badly, she second-guessed even having the party. In some cases, she felt compelled to apologize for

causing them distress. “Do not transfer your guilt onto the host,” Parker says. On the flipside, the woman received one denial that was so lovely, she told Parker she read it multiple times,

including to her husband, and shared it with others. It read, in part: “I was waiting to RSVP for your celebration because I was hoping to resolve a conflict we had. Unfortunately, the

timing just didn't work out on that exact weekend. I want you to know that we’re really touched you invited us. It’s so important to mark special occasions with people you love and who

love you back, and we consider ourselves in that last category.” “YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE MOST CREATIVE IDEAS FOR PARTIES.” Aim to compliment something about your host that you genuinely admire.

Maybe they always throw the most epic birthday parties, know exactly which restaurant to book, or reliably plan out-of-office mixers for colleagues in a lonely profession. The point, Parker

says, “is to honor and see what it is they're trying to do.” That will make it clear you appreciate them and cushion the blow of the fact that you can't attend. “I CAN'T

BELIEVE I CAN'T MAKE IT TO THIS. I REALLY WANT TO COME—PLEASE PUT ME ON THE LIST IF YOU DO IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.” If you genuinely feel bad about declining an invite, and hope it

doesn’t preclude you from being included in the future, don’t refrain from expressing your enthusiasm. You might tell your friend: “I want to say yes so badly.” “Let them know this isn’t you

faking it,” Post adds. “My cousin does this a lot. He’s like, ‘I can’t say yes today, but ask me again any time you think of it. I really want to do this with you.’ It works.” “I’M SORRY, I

WON’T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT.” No matter what, a short and to-the-point response is better than fibbing about why you can’t make it to a gathering. “Saying you’re committed to something else

when you’re not is unnecessary,” Post says. “Why do it when there’s potential to get caught later on?” The host, after all, will be much more likely to forgive you for sitting out her second

cousin’s baby shower than for lying about why you can’t be there. “I REALLY WANT TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN, BUT IT’S NOT FINANCIALLY FEASIBLE.” You don’t have to share that you’re declining an

invite due to financial reasons, but if you have a close relationship with the person, it might make sense to provide context. Post’s friend, for example, is traveling to New York City this

summer, and Post hopes to meet her there—but can’t swing a whole week in a hotel. Post told her how much she’d like to attend, and then added: “For me it would have to be a budget trip, and

I’d need to really look into it to make sure I could commit.” From there, the two brainstormed solutions, like a shorter stay in the city. “THAT’S NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME, BUT I APPRECIATE

THE INVITE.” By wording your response like this, you’re making it clear that you’re setting a boundary, which can be useful if someone keeps pushing you after you’ve said “no” once. It’s

best used when you don’t want to leave anything open for negotiation. “It’s short, clear, and calm,” says Cheryl Groskopf, a therapist in Los Angeles. “You’re not apologizing. You’re also

not being rude—just honest.” Consider this approach if you often get talked into doing things you don’t want to do, she suggests. “Directness isn’t cruelty,” Groskopf says. “It’s clarity.”

“I’VE GOT A LOT ON MY PLATE, AND I’M BEING REALLY INTENTIONAL WITH MY TIME RIGHT NOW.” This option makes sense for those who feel they have to justify why they’re not attending a gathering,

Groskopf says. It’s an especially good choice “if you’re the kind of person who’s always been the helper, the listener, the one who shows up even when they’re drained,” she adds. It focuses

on your capacity, rather than the event or person, which is key. You’re simply saying, “I don’t have it in me right now.” “This one also gives the other person something they can

understand,” Groskopf says. “Most people get ‘I’m maxed out,’ even if they don’t know what’s behind it.” _Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email [email protected]_